That’s right. I said it I’m calling him out. He has it easier. He has it freer. He’s…well…he’s in deep doo-doo. I’m putting this out for the world to see, and I bet my sisters-in-arms will see it just like I do. Get this…
Hubby gets home from work and scoops the girls up to hang with him while he changes out of his G.I. Joe gear. I always appreciate the 10 minutes of golden silence I get to put on my ‘spouse hat’…it’s like a mental commute. A-MAZING. As I’m having a calgon-take-me-away mental break, I hear him call out, “Hey, Hon? Can you come grab La Rubia?” My answer: an incredulous “Why?!”
Him: “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Me: “So, go.”
Him: “I can’t. I have to GO.”
Me: “Just leave the door open. Let her go with you.”
Him: <offended and slightly put out> “I can’t do that! I’m a man!”
Me: <annoyed and on the brink> “What do you mean you can’t? I haven’t seen the inside of a bathroom without an audience in almost 6 years! Plus, you’re sitting. You won’t scar her.”
Him: “Come on. I have to go and I’m not going with an audience.” <closes door>
Me: <like Krakatoa> “Are you kidding me? This is a horrible double standard! You will pay!”
And pay, he will. I mean, he is. I am putting this out there for all the stay at home spouses that don’t get a break while holding down the fort, grappling with the kiddos, and making it look easy. Your other half has no idea. No. Earthly. Clue.
My Husband Has It Easier
- Childbirth (this is a lifelong trump card that I will exploit shamelessly for the rest of our lives). Did it twice even though I knew the price.
- Vasectomy vs. Episiotomy. Sewed up my nether-regions with souchers that rival nautical rope. Exact words of my OB w/ La Grande when I asked how many stitches: “Oh, it’s not stitches, honey. It’s more like a hem.”
- I comb three heads of hair…daily. Him? Zero. He’s bald.
- Bill paying. He may earn it, but as far as he knows the cable fairy brings us DVR service and the credit fairy granted us killer credit scores.
- Laundry. He must think his dresser is a friggin’ cornucopia of Under Armor underwear and clothing.
- Food. Living in our house for him is like an extended stay at posh B & B. He shows up and there’s food in the cabinets and on the table.
- House cleaning. Him: “Where do we keep the vacuum cleaner again?”
- Activity and vacation planning. A cruise director has nothing on me. NO-THING.
- Undivided attention. I don’t even know….(one second, kiddo asking a question)…what that is.
- Adult interaction. Does he have to sing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” to his coworkers? I didn’t think so.
- The ability to fall asleep in 5 seconds.
- The ability to do any activity while totally tuning out the bloodcurdling screeching of La Rubia Peligrosa.
- The ability to not “see” messes.
- The luxury of being able to not be thinking of anything. HOW IS THAT HUMANLY POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!
- The ability to not hear a child wake up, even briefly, in the middle of the night (so he says).
- The comfort of knowing his children are clean, well loved, healthy, and well disciplined.
- Going to the bathroom ALONE. ALONE! No questions, stories, or children disclosing the intimate details of what is going on in the stall. Nobody talking about your business at a volume that doesn’t even qualify as a whisper at a rock concert. Nobody unraveling the toilet paper like its a NYC ticker tape parade. Nobody knocking on the door to request a snack, drink, activity to do, or request a status update every 15 seconds. Nobody trying to hug you, or sit on your lap, or better yet, you sitting them on your lap because they aren’t old enough to stand. Or going to the bathroom with a baby in one arm while unbuttoning your pants and sliding them down with the other hand. Or shoving two children and one adult in a standard size stall so that no one abducts or molests said children…
Okay, okay. Woosah. That was cathartic. Isn’t it amazing what a good ole’ fashioned vent will do for you every now and again?
So, who has it easier in your house? What is your number-one pet peeve? Share them below!
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